Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Mother's Day At The Farm

I am not a fan of Mother's Day these days.

I just had my 5th one without my mother. I did ok this year.

My first one, I had to work. It was still pretty fresh on my mind since she had only passed in late February. I endured a long Sunday at work, being reminded by strangers who assume a 27 year old gal still had a mother, to make sure I called my mom that day.

I got home from work to find my then fiancé and now ex drunk and demanding dinner. I asked him for a hand making it and he declined. He returned to his cave to ignore me in favor of a book, pot and booze. I put some meat in the microwave to thaw it and then I sat down on the bed and just cried.

I heard him come upstairs and then he muttered something about me being lazy for not starting dinner and he went back down to his hole. This was one of the first times I had ever had the courage to stand up to him. I marched downstairs, barged into his office and asked 'Do you have a f*cking problem?'
All he responded with was - in his angry ass hole tone was 'Not today.'. I reminded him that he had the luxury of calling his mother that day. He didn't seem to care.

I cooked dinner and ate dinner in tears and silence. He never apologized.

He was a dreadful person. He treated me like dirt. I stayed with him for as long as I did out of fear I guess. The emotional abuse I endured with him has taken a long time to get through. But it has made me who I am today. The proudest moment for me was when I finally got the courage to leave him. I had wanted to a year before - and the last email I sent my mom was telling her that. I put it on the back burner after she died. But I found the strength and I channeled her - and thought about how strong she had to be when she left my dad with 2 kids.

I look at where I am now... I am back home. I have a great job that I am very successful at. I have a vehicle that still has warranty. I can buy things I want without going into credit debt. I do not stress out over how I am going to afford to live. I made my life long dream of having a horse come true.... ALL BY MYSELF. No man. All me. He held me back in life.  I have flourished since I set myself free. I think my mother would be proud.

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